Beware: Conformity Starts Early!

We all know how vulnerable teenagers are to peer pressure, but did you know that preschoolers are too? I don’t mean here the tendency for 3- and 4-year-olds to begin mimicking their playmates during play—one child imitating another child who has started to twirl around or act like a monkey. That’s just fun and has no important implications. The conformity at issue here is more insidious and has to do with agreeing publicly with an opinion expressed by others when the truth is that one’s own opinion is very different. In other words, hiding one’s own beliefs because they clash with one’s peers’ beliefs.

It turns out that 4-year-olds are vulnerable to this kind of peer pressure. How did the researchers discover this truth? In a very clever way. They sat groups of 4 children in cubbies arranged so that they couldn’t see each other but could hear each other answer questions posed by the “teacher.” The questions referred to specially designed picture books the children were given. The left page of each 2-page spread in the book showed three drawings of an animal (say a tiger) that were identical except for size. One was big (the “daddy” tiger), one was middle-sized (the “mommy” tiger) and one was small (the “baby” tiger). The right page of each spread showed one of these three versions and the child’s task was to tell the teacher which one it was, the daddy, mommy, or baby. The trick here was the fact that three of the children held copies of the same book while one child (who was always asked last) had a different book designed so the correct answer would clash with what the other children said. What they found was that the children—not always, but about a third of the time—would agree with what the other three kids had said even though they knew that answer to be wrong for their book.

Reading the results of this study brought back a real life example involving my son when he was about 3 ½ and had just started nursery school (see photo above). Up until that point his playmates of convenience happened to always be girls, a fact which bothered him not at all. Then, one day a month or into the school year, I noticed that he had colored every picture in a coloring book save one: a single girl swinging on a swing. “Kai, why didn’t you color this one?” His answer: “Because boys don’t play with girls.” When I next observed the classroom, I saw that this was in fact true at school—the girls played with girls and the boys with boys. Interestingly, however, when he was at home and not where his male peers could see (and no doubt judge him), Kai continued to play very happily with the same girls he always had.

Why is this significant? It’s bad enough when it’s a gender issue, but substitute not playing with children of contrasting ethnicities and you can see how easily and at what young ages prejudices get started.

So, fellow parents, what I’m hoping is that “forewarned is forearmed” as the saying goes. In other words, knowing that even preschoolers are vulnerable to peer pressure can motivate you to begin even earlier to help your child understand the importance of thinking for oneself.

Happy signing (and don't forget to follow us on Facebook)!

Linda
Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Co-founder, the Baby Signs® Program
and
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis

Giggle Games Galore

One of the true blessings that come with being human is the ability to laugh. Adults often don’t realize that children begin honing their own comedic skills at impressively early ages. Supporting your child’s attempts at humor really is important because at its core, humor is creative. Even if your child is simply retelling a joke she’s heard elsewhere, she’s had to do a bit of mental gymnastics herself to grasp the humor. And on those occasions when she comes up with her own joke, she is demonstrating both mental flexibility and creativity no matter her age.

Find the particular giggle games that you and your baby both enjoy, and play them often so that your baby has a chance to enjoy predicting what comes next. For some babies and at some ages, these might primarily involve touch and movement, either in mild forms (like being wrapped and tickled in a towel after the bath) or no-so-mild forms (like being tossed in the air). Other babies may find weird noises emanating from your mouth particularly hilarious or absolutely crack up at seeing their big brother make funny faces.

Whatever the routine, remember that babies at all ages are good at learning what to expect. In fact, the giggling usually starts leaking out in anticipation of the event. The opportunity to form expectations like these, apart from the actual tickle or toss, is pleasurable all by itself.

Happy Signing (and don’t forget to follow us on Facebook)!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Co-Founder, the Baby Signs® Program
and
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis

The Infant Toolbox Includes A Moral Compass

Some new research in the area of emotional development has come to my attention and has motivated me to take a detour this week away from my usual topic of signing with babies.

There’s no doubt that by the time they are preschoolers, children understand the difference between virtue and evil deeds—as is evident in their appreciation of Cinderella over the Wicked Stepmother and of Little Red Riding Hood over the Big Bad Wolf. But when does this critical distinction hold sway in the minds of little children? Believe it or not, fascinating new research indicates the seeds of distinguishing “good guys” from “bad guys” are there practically from Day 1! Here is just one example from Professor J. Kiley Hamlin’s lab at the University of British Columbia that demonstrates how we know.

Imagine you’re a 4 month old baby watching the following two events:

(1) A puppet is struggling to open the lid of a hinged box and a second puppet joins the effort, helping get the box open.
(2) The first puppet is once again struggling to open the box, but this time a third puppet jumps on top of the lid, pinning it down, thereby hindering the first puppet’s efforts.

Having seen these little events, you are given a choice of which of two puppets you want to look at and hold—the “helper” or the “hinderer.” Even babies as young as 4.5 months strongly (75%-100% of them) prefer the “Helper,” thereby indicating they took into account the goal of the lst puppet and evaluated the intentions of the 2nd and 3rd: they liked the “Helper” and spurned the “Hinderer.” (And don’t worry, the order of events was varied across children and other scenarios were tested as well.)

This is indeed good news! Why? Because it indicates that humans hit the ground running in terms of preferring helping and cooperation over negative behaviors—and that takes some of the burden off of parents. Rather than having to start from scratch getting their child to understand and prefer helping others, they need only to nurture the seeds that are already there. That’s burden enough!

Happy Signing! (and don’t forget to look for us on Facebook)

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Co-Founder, the Baby Signs® Program
and
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis

“But We’re Not Laughing At You!”

This week I'm taking a detour from my usual topic of the Baby Signs Program to talk about a topic from Baby Hearts, the third parenting book I co-authored with Dr. Susan Goodwyn--the development of embarrassment.

If there’s a 2-year-old at your next family get-together , it’s likely that at one time or another everyone will be laughing at something amusing she has done. Maybe she is busily eating chocolate cake, getting more around her mouth than in it, or maybe she is carefully trying to walk in her mother’s high heels. Whatever the behavior, as soon as the child becomes aware that she is the focus of attention she becomes upset. And no matter how many times she is reassured that no one is laughing at her, she remains inconsolable and is too embarrassed to continue.

Where does such embarrassment come from? Has some humiliation in the child’s past created an expectation of punishment or shame? Probably not. According to developmental researcher, Dr. Michael Lewis, such reactions are typical of children starting between 18 and 24 months. It’s at this age that children begin to experience embarrassment when they find they are the center of attention. It’s not that they think they’ve done anything wrong or shameful. It’s just that everyone is looking at them and it makes them extremely uneasy.

Why does such self-consciousness begin between 18 and 24 months? It’s quite simple. This is the age when toddlers first become aware of themselves as separate from other people, knowledge that is obviously critical to feeling embarrassed. In fact, Lewis demonstrated a direct connection between self-awareness and embarrassment in the following way.

First, he tested a group of toddlers to see if they could recognize themselves in a mirror – a classic test of self-awareness. The way to do this is to surreptitiously dab a spot of rouge on a child’s nose, set him in front of a mirror, and watch to see if he touches his nose. If he does, then it’s clear that he recognizes that the red spot on the nose in the mirror is a red spot on his own nose. Some the toddlers in Lewis study did touch their noses, while others did not.

Lewis then tested whether these same children would show embarrassment. He had their mothers urge them to dance in front of the experimenter to the sound of a tambourine. As you might expect, some children did so without hesitation while others refused, showing classic signs of embarrassment. Every one of these latter children, and very few of the former, were among those able to recognize themselves in a mirror, a lovely demonstration that the child’s developing mind and the child’s developing emotions are closely related.

Apparently the novelty of understanding that one is the center of attention is very unnerving. Whether or not there is a judgment involved is irrelevant; the child simply wants the attention itself to stop…now. The more mature understanding that one has done something that has violated some kind of standard of behavior won’t develop for another year or so. In the meantime, realizing that it’s the attention itself that toddlers dislike can help parents be more sympathetic. After all, would you want everyone watching you stuff chocolate cake into your mouth? I thought not.

Happy Signing (and don’t forget to follow us on Facebook)!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Co-Founder, the Baby Signs Program
and
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis

Maternal Depression

This week I'm taking a detour from talking about sign language for babies in order to address a very important topic: Maternal depression. Research shows that mothers who suffer from depression for extended periods during a child’s early years put their children at greater risk for emotional problems. There are many reasons for this greater vulnerability. One of them is the fact that depressed mothers are much less likely to engage in the lively face-to-face interaction that is so critical to helping babies feel secure and loved during their first year.

We know that the absence of this kind of interaction is upsetting to babies because of research by Professor Ed Tronick. In his classic study called “the Still Face” experiment, he first filmed parents and infants interacting face to face in whatever way was normal for them. After a bit of time had passed, the parents were instructed to assume a totally frozen face—neither smiling nor scowling—and remain totally passive and unresponsive to any bids for attention from the baby. The result? Babies as young as 4 months turned out to be exquisitely sensitive to the disruption and quickly become despondent when the disruption continued for more than a moment or two. Interestingly, the babies seemed to understand when Mom turned away to talk to someone else; it was when there seemed to be no good reason for the disruption that they became disheartened. Under those conditions, they seemed to perceive their mother’s behavior as rejection, and with that perception came the fear that they had lost their hold on a safe and predictable world.

As Professor Tronick points out, if a momentary “still face” in the laboratory can cause a baby to become despondent, just think what happens when such rejection occurs on a daily basis. Human babies crave interaction, and when it’s missing for long periods of time and they feel powerless to restore it, they become depressed too.

The research on the dangers of maternal depression has been pivotal in directing attention to the phenomenon of post-partum depression, a biologically-based reaction to giving birth that used to be considered totally psychological—that is, the fault of the mother—and treated with advice that inevitably made these new moms feel more guilty and more depressed. Fortunately, doctors now understand that post-partum depression is a real and serious phenomenon that needs attention.

Professor Tronick’s work, therefore, provides a good example of how research investigating the intricacies of development and the parent-child relationship often has profoundly positive effects on the lives of babies and their parents. That's research money well spent!

Happy Signing (and don’t forget to follow us on Facebook)!

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis
and
Co-Founder, The Baby Signs® Program

Helping Kids Cope with Tragedy

Here we are in what should be a joyous celebration of the holiday seasons with hearts full of good cheer, and instead I find my thoughts returning time and again to the families of the children and teachers who were slaughtered in Connecticut last week. Anyone who has parented a child will find it almost impossible to imagine the horror that has engulfed that community.

My thoughts also, however, turn to the living—to parents all over the country who are wondering how to help their own children deal with what has happened. To this end, in this week’s blog I share some strategies experts have been posting this week. Much of this advice will serve equally well for national tragedies like the current one and scary situations closer to home--like accidents, robberies, fires, or natural disasters.

Let your child’s questions guide the discussion. This is especially true for very young children who may be surprisingly oblivious to what’s going on around them. In fact, sometimes parents are upset that their children are not upset! If you find yourself feeling that way, keep in mind that children’s worlds are very narrow and revolve almost exclusively around what affects them personally. Remember, the last thing you want to do is create anxiety where none exists!

Limit viewing of television coverage. Although it’s natural for adults to want their children to empathize with others’ suffering, resist the impulse to use the heartbreaking coverage of a tragedy to generate such feelings. All you may be creating is fear and sadness that make your child feel helpless. Look instead for ways to foster empathy that involve situations that are easy for a young child to understand--and remedy (e.g., another child is hurt, an animal is cold and hungry, a relative is feeling lonely).

Reassure your child that he/she is safe. This is obviously a very important goal. The term “reassure” is important because it reflects the reality that it is natural for children to be afraid. Don’t dismiss these fears. Listen carefully, let them talk, try to see if they have specific fears or a general anxiety. If there are specific fears—for example, that their classroom is not safe—talk about specific steps the school is taking to ensure their safety. Emphasize the availability of trustworthy adults both at school and at home.

Watch for changes in behavior. Anxiety can reveal itself in many ways besides just words. Be aware of changes in appetite, sleep patterns, acting out, clinging, etc. that seem to coincide with the external situation.

Review safety precautions. Doing so will be reassuring for both of you. Simply knowing the ABCs of what to do and what not to do (and why) will help ease anxiety.

While it’s true that we can’t protect our children forever from the suffering that life can bring, at least we can use steps like these to ease them into reality.


Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis
and
Co-Founder, The Baby Signs® Program

How Would You Feel If….

Over the years, I’ve learned that challenging a parent’s reaction to his or her child’s behavior is a delicate matter. One strategy that has worked for me is what I call the “How would you feel if…” technique. Essentially, the idea is to describe a situation analogous to the child’s but where the parent is in the spotlight. Here’s an example from my book about emotional development (with Dr. Susan Goodwyn), Baby Hearts, dealing with a parent’s angry and humiliating reaction to his son’s fear of a dog.

Max, the neighbor’s overly friendly Labrador retriever, lopes toward 2-year-old Timmy who quickly takes shelter behind his dad’s leg and begins to cry. His dad, Jim, following in the footsteps of generations of dads with sons, says, “Don’t be such a scaredy-cat. He’s not going to hurt you!” Do those words help? No. In fact, research shows that sympathizing with a child’s fears is an important ingredient in the recipe for creating empathy. Perhaps the next scenario might make that dad react differently.

New York City born and bred, Jim decides to take Timmy and the rest of his family to Idaho for an exciting week on a “Dude Ranch.” While his family is still eating breakfast, Jim wanders out to the corral. As he approaches the gate, it suddenly swings open and a large horse comes bounding out of the gate toward him. Jim jumps back quickly, slips, and finds himself in the dirt looking up as the horse races by, leaving him in a cloud of dust. As Jim lies in the dirt, shocked and shaken, the resident cowboy comes sauntering out and drawls, “Hey, city boy, don’t be such a scaredy -cat. He ain’t gonna hurt you!” Jim pulls himself up and stumbles back to the house--humiliated, angry, and feeling he had every right to be frightened given the horse was so large and unknown to him.

We can only hope that parents like Jim make the connection!

Happy Signing (and don’t forget to follow us on Facebook)!

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis
and
Co-Founder, The Baby Signs® Program

Professor Emeritus, UC Davis
and
Co-Founder, The Baby Signs® Program

Laying the Foundation for Chores

I’ll get to chores in a minute. First, I want to set the stage by reminding readers of how fundamental “habits” are to everyday life. Even when daydreaming we stop at stop signs and red lights. Many of us (admittedly, not all of us!) automatically hang up our towels neatly after using them. And most of us have a ritual we carry out when we first get up in the morning even if we’re still half asleep. These are actions that have been repeated so frequently that they have become firmly entrenched habits;.

Of course, these aren’t the habits we’re eager for toddlers to adopt. Instead, what parents need to consider is the long term advantage of starting early to establish a willingness to help with tasks that need doing, thereby laying the foundation for actual “chores.” Even though they are still too young to take full responsibility for most tasks (e.g., remembering to feed the dog), getting 2- to 4-year-olds in the habit of helping at a very young age will make the transition to true chores much easier.

The good news is that toddlers and young preschoolers love to help. In fact these days it’s often busy parents, understanding that it’s faster to do things by themselves, who demur. That’s a mistake! Taking advantage of this early eagerness will pay off in the long run. Here’s how:

Most parents are wise enough to reward volunteered help with praise and affection—two goodies that are powerful reinforcers for young kids. Such positive reinforcement tends to result in a behavior being repeated—which results in more goodies and more volunteering—which results in more goodies and more volunteering…and on, and on. In other words, the more times a child is taken up on his offer to “help” and leaves feeling good about himself, the more likely he will be to volunteer in the future. Pretty soon helping is an entrenched “habit,” thereby making the move to assigned chores when the child is older much easier.

So what can the 2-4 set help with? They are actually remarkably good at judging what they might be able to manage, so take every “I help?” seriously. The photos above give an example. Two-year-old Julia spends Thursdays in our Baby Signs office with her mom, Bonita. Here you see her accomplishing the task of unpacking rolls of paper towels from a box and stacking them on a shelf in the rest room. Needless to say, she received high praise from all of us Of course, it would have been faster for one of us to do it ourselves, but this way Julia had the satisfaction of a job well done –which you can definitely see on her face as she relaxes in the empty box!

Happy Signing (and don’t forget to visit us on Facebook)!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis
and
Co-Founder, The Baby Signs® Program

To Foster Pride Let Directing Credits Go to Baby

Throughout my years as a researcher at UC Davis, and especially during the years Dr. Susan Goodwyn and I were working on our NIH-funded signing studies, I had the opportunity to watch hundreds of parents playing with their children. One individual difference I noticed, was that some parents were quite “bossy” in terms of dictating what form the play should take.

In fact, we all know parents who over-manage their children, parents who cram their children’s schedules with everything from Acrobats to Zoological Expeditions. What these children lose, according to Dr. Deborah Stipek and her colleagues at UCLA, is not only free time, but also the opportunity to pick their own goals and decide which are worth tackling. It turns out that giving children a chance to choose their own goals is even important for infants and toddlers, especially if parents want their children to develop pride in their accomplishments.

In one of Stipek’s studies in particular, children ages 13 to 39 months were observed playing with their mothers. What the researchers discovered is that when children throughout this age range were allowed to choose their own goals during play, they were much more likely to revel in their own successes. In other words, they would choose the toy they wanted to play with next, or which way the train would face on the train tracks. They showed pride in their accomplishments, calling attention to their success and smiling and clapping for themselves. Children whose mothers were more intrusive, directing their child’s activities toward goals they—rather than their child--had determined, were less likely to display positive emotions and more likely to simply look up at their mothers when they accomplished something (as if to ask, “Did I do okay?”). The difference, of course, is that the children whose mothers were less intrusive weren’t looking to others for validation. In contrast, they appeared to know instantly when they had something to be proud of.

These results support one of the major messages we try to convey to parents in all our Baby Signs® and On the Grow™ classes: It’s important to follow the child’s lead. Thanks to researchers like Deborah Stipek, it’s a matter of fact, not just opinion.

Happy Signing (and don’t forget to visit us on Facebook)!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis
and
Co-Founder, The Baby Signs® Program

Keeping Mom No. 1

I remember vividly when my daughter-in-law called me in tears, worried that her then 10-month-old twins would end up loving their child care provider more than they loved her. I assured her that this anxiety is typical of moms who have to have their children in child care, and I shared some tips with her. The basic one is the following:

Create fun routines that involve activities that are unlikely to be part of child care. Because they are only done at home, they will stick out in the child’s mind. Children find routines of any kind comforting and these home-only routines will become special times with mom and/or dad that your child can look forward to. Here are some possibilities:

Bath time. Almost all kids love to splash in the bath before bedtime. Instead of thinking of this as one more chore to get through, appreciate it as an opportunity to share a fun experience with your child with which child care can’t compete. Bath time also has the advantage of being a chance to relate to more than one child at a time.

Singing. Choose specific songs that only you sing to your child—maybe one for first thing in the morning, one for bedtime, and one for riding in the car. It’s not unusual for grown children to speak nostalgically about such songs and even repeat them with their own kids.

Dancing. I’ve never met a baby or toddler who didn’t like to be held in Mom’s or Dad’s arms and jiggled up, down, and around in time to a favorite CD song. This might be a great routine for when you reunite.

Watching a DVD together. Many child care providers avoid DVDs and yet, cuddling once a day with a child in front of an appropriate DVD can be an intimate and cozy experience (being sure to talk about what’s on the screen—and, whatever you do, not using DVDs in place of books!). For example, my daughter-in-law used the Baby Signs My Bedtime Signs DVD to cuddle and wind the twins down at night before book time, each one clutching his or her own Baby BeeBo.

(By the way, it took only one bad cold during which the twins stuck to her like glue to convince her she had nothing to worry about in the attachment domain!)

Have fun!
Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D. .
Co-Founder the Baby Signs Program and
Professor Emeritus, University of California

Let’s Hear it for Being Shy!

A wonderful new book has come out that I think everyone, parents and non-parents alike, should read. It’s called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain. As the title suggests, the author is on a crusade to extol the virtues of a personality tendency our society too often thinks of as a disability—something to be ‘fixed.”

When I read the book myself, I immediately saw the connection to a section in my book (with Dr. Susan Goodwyn) called Baby Hearts from which I took an excerpt to use for this blog a full year ago. Obviously, the points are important and, I believe, worth repeating. So, here you are:

Do you have a “shy” child? I have two! Both my son and daughter come by their shyness honestly because neither one of their parents could be called extroverted! In fact, learning to overcome my inherently introverted personality in order to stand up in front of large classes of undergraduates required years of patience and practice.

Oh dear! Even in this opening paragraph I’ve fallen victim to a reaction to shyness typical of Western culture. Because Western cultures tend to value assertiveness and sociability, parents of shy children often worry that their child is at a disadvantage. If you find yourself in this category, it may help you deal with your anxiety to realize that being shy usually comes with some very nice side benefits. In fact, the human race probably wouldn’t still be here were it not for the talents that shy people tend to development. Here are some examples:

Shy Children Tend to be Keen Observers: Because they are so concerned about what other people think about them, shy children work harder than most children at being able to read subtle emotional cues in other people’s behavior and expressions. This is a skill that serves them well in any interactions they have.

Shy Children Tend to be Natural Empathizers: Because they are keen observers and know all too well what it is like to suffer, shy children often develop greater empathy for others than their comparably aged peers.

Shy Children Tend to be Good Imaginers: Because they spend more time on their own, shy children often create inner worlds of great richness. And having a vivid and creative imagination can be enormously useful, helping them excel in many fields.

Shy Children Tend to be Loyal Friends: Because they sometimes have trouble making friends, once they have one, shy children are incredibly loyal. They understand how precious a good friend truly is and go to great lengths to be the very best friend they can be.

So, the next time you begin to worry about your “shy” child, remember that being shy isn’t the huge disadvantage that it’s sometimes made out to be. There are, in fact, many silver linings to be treasured!

Happy Signing (and don’t forget to follow us on Facebook)!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Co-Founder, the Baby Signs® Program
and
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis

How Would You Feel If. . . .

Once again, I’m detouring from my usual discussion of signing with babies to some parenting advice drawn from my book with Dr. Susan Goodwyn entitled Baby Hearts: A Guide to Giving Your Child an Emotional Head Start.

“I’m so disappointed in you! Go to your room and think about what you did!”

These two sentences are hardly rare. Most parents probably have uttered them at one time or another. However, just because they are typical doesn’t mean they are a good idea! In addition to implying that love will be withdrawn, these messages leave out at least two very important pieces of information: (1) why what the child did wasn’t a good idea, and (2) what should have been done instead. The words succeed in making the child feel bad, but they don’t teach her how to be better in the future.

How would you feel if the same message was addressed to you? Suppose you had just gotten off the phone with a very disagreeable customer whose outrageous accusations caused your own temper to flare. Now suppose your boss, overhearing your end of the conversation, steps into your office and says, “I’m so disappointed in you. Go home and think about what you did.”

Can you see how unhelpful that is? You probably already know that you didn’t handle the situation well; what you don’t know is how you should have handled it: Called on your boss to take the call? Used some stock phrases to placate the customer? Claimed the call was breaking up and disconnected? Thanks to your boss’ choice of words, you still don’t know and may well find yourself in the same situation tomorrow. And to make matters words, you now feel humiliated as well as angry.

Well, guess what? Young children have the same reaction but with even less ability to think about alternative behaviors even if they wanted to! They need alternatives explained calmly and clearly. Keep this in mind the next time you are tempted to send this message—to anyone.

Happy Signing (and don’t forget to follow us on Facebook)!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Co-Founder, the Baby Signs® Program
and
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis

From Sworn Enemies to Bosom Buddies

I’m turning this week from sign language with babies to information drawn from my book with Dr. Susan Goodwyn entitled Baby Hearts: A Guide to Giving Your Child an Emotional Head Start.

It’s not uncommon to hear that violence in the world is inevitable because aggression is built into the human species—that it’s “instinctual”—and, therefore, nothing can be done to change it. A very clever study done way back in 1930 by Z. Y. Kuo provides the perfect retort—and hope for the future.

If there’s one behavior that most of us would agree is instinctual, it’s the tendency for cats to stalk and kill rats. Or is it? Kuo decided to find out. First, he took litters of newborn kittens away from their natural mothers. One-third of these he gave to tried-and-true rat-killing moms to raise. Another third he raised by themselves. And the final third he raised with rats! Then, when the kittens were old enough, he tested to see if they would stalk and kill rats in a natural situation. Here’s what he found.

• The kittens raised with rat-killing moms learned from them, 85 % becoming enthusiastic rat-killers.
• The kittens raised alone split about evenly, with 45% easily persuaded to kill rats.
• But of the kittens raised with rats, only 17% ever killed a rat in all his tests!

What’s the point of all this? Here it is, and it’s important. Even something as arguably instinctual as rat-killing can be changed given the right life history. Create an environment early in life that nurtures love, trust, and familiarity rather than violence and hate, and the result is much more peace and harmony.

So, take Kuo’s results as evidence that the lessons you teach your children about compassion and tolerance are both likely to work and one of the only ways we have to chip away at the violence we see around us.

Happy Signing (and don’t forget to follow us on Facebook)!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Co-Founder, the Baby Signs® Program
and
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis

Some “Nos” are Better than Others

This week I’m taking a break from talking about signing with babies to discuss another issue that faces every parent of a toddler: Noncompliance with requests. We all know there are nice ways and not so nice ways to say “no.” Well, how we as parents say it to our children turns out to have an important influence on how children learn to say it too.

Let’s look first at children’s behavior. Turns out there are individual differences in how toddlers express their unwillingness to cooperate. The strategies fall into two different categories, unskilled and skilled.

• Unskilled: The toddler gives no reason for noncompliance. He or she may simply ignore the parent’s request, angrily defy it (“No!”), or quietly refuse (“No, I play more.”)

• Skilled: The toddler tries to find some “wiggle room” in the parent’s request through negotiations of some kind. In this case, he or she may try for a compromise (“Just one more?”) or attempt to justify noncompliance (“Not done yet.”)

How do toddlers come to favor one type of strategy over another? As in many other domains of development, they model themselves after what they experience their parents doing. Parents who supply explanations, suggest compromises, and consider the child’s feelings when asking for cooperation tend to have children who favor the skilled strategies—even if they choose not to comply.

And why is it important which strategy—skilled or unskilled—a toddler favors? Not only do the unskilled strategies make for more tension between parent and child, but research shows that children who tend toward unskilled strategies as toddlers continue to do so at age five—thereby running the risk of permanent damage to the parent-child relationship.

Of course, all parents would prefer that their young children always comply with their requests. That’s hardly realistic, however. What this research suggest is that even when toddlers don’t comply, there well maybe something in the “how” of their behavior that is worthy of appreciation.

Happy Signing (and don’t forget to follow us on Facebook)!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Co-Founder, the Baby Signs® Program
and
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis

Beware: Conformity Starts Early!

I just read an interesting research article in the latest issue of the professional journal, Child Development. Because it has lessons for parents, I’m going to digress from talking about signing with babies and share it with you.

We all know how vulnerable teenagers are to peer pressure, but did you know that preschoolers are too? I don’t mean here the tendency for 3- and 4-year-olds to begin mimicking their playmates during play—one child imitating another child who has started to twirl around or act like a monkey. That’s just fun and has no important implications. The conformity at issue here is more insidious and has to do with agreeing publicly with an opinion expressed by others when the truth is that one’s own opinion is very different--in other words, hiding one’s own beliefs because they clash with one’s peers’ beliefs.

It turns out that 4-year-olds are vulnerable to this kind of peer pressure. How did the researchers discover this truth? In a very clever way. They sat groups of 4 children in cubbies arranged so that they couldn’t see each other but could hear each other answer questions posed by the “teacher.” The questions referred to specially designed picture books the children were given. The left page of each 2-page spread in the book showed three drawings of an animal (say a tiger) that were identical except for size. One was big (the “daddy” tiger), one was middle-sized (the “mommy” tiger) and one was small (the “baby” tiger). The right page of each spread showed one of these three versions and the child’s task was to tell the teacher which one it was: the daddy, mommy, or baby. The trick here was the fact that three of the children held copies of the same book while one child (who was always asked last) had a different book designed so the correct answer would clash with what the other children said. What they found was that the children—not always, but about a third of the time—would agree with what the other three kids had said even though they knew that answer to be wrong for their book.

Reading the results of this study brought back a real life example involving my son when he was about 3 ½ and had just started nursery school (see photo above). Up until that point his playmates of convenience happened to always be girls, a fact which bothered him not at all. Then, one day a month or into the school year, I noticed that he had colored every picture in a coloring book save one: a single girl swinging on a swing. “Kai, why didn’t you color this one?” His answer: “Because boys don’t play with girls.” When I next observed the playground at the school, I saw that this was in fact true there—the girls played with girls and the boys with boys. Interestingly, however, when he was at home and not where his male peers could see (and no doubt judge him), Kai continued to play very happily with the same girls he always had.

Why is this significant? It’s bad enough when it’s a gender issue, but substitute not playing with children of contrasting ethnicities and you can see how easily and at what young ages prejudices get started.

So, fellow parents, as we look forward to a new year, what I’m hoping is that “forewarned is forearmed” as the saying goes. In other words, knowing that even preschoolers are vulnerable to peer pressure can motivate you to begin even earlier to help your child understand the importance of thinking for oneself.

Happy New Year (and don't forget to follow us on Facebook)!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Co-founder, the Baby Signs® Program
and
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis

Stranger Anxiety: A Holiday Hazard

Some of my most enduring memories of Christmas with my own children were the annual visits with Santa. Born in the fall and still babes-in-arms by Christmas, their first experiences with Santa were uneventful. Things had changed dramatically, however, by Christmas #2--when the kids were about 15 months old. They would have nothing to do with the jolly old man! I was disappointed but hardly surprised. They were both at that second Christmas at the height of what is called “Stranger Anxiety.”

As I reflect back some 25 years to those early experiences with kids and Santa, it got me thinking again about Stranger Anxiety as a developmental phenomenon that kids of any generation go through. It may be easy to deal with Santa by simply avoiding him, but it’s not so easy to deal with the anxiety that arises when new relatives visit during the holidays or when a new caregiver is introduced. To refresh my memory of how to deal with Stranger Anxiety, I got down a copy of the book I co-authored with Dr. Susan Goodwyn, Baby Hearts: A Guide to Giving Your Child an Emotional Head Start, looked the term up in the index and, sure enough, found a list of tips that can help.

Insist that people approach slowly and smoothly. Strangers, no matter how well intentioned, who swoop into a young child’s space end up overwhelming his/her with feelings of vulnerability. Because feeling overwhelmed is the exact opposite of feeling in control, the result is fear.

Provide a prop. Providing the stranger with your child’s favorite toy or an attractive new toy is another helpful ploy because it works to distract the child from the newness of the visitor and defines him or her as having something positive to contribute.

Teach the stranger favorite signs. If your child is using signs from our Baby Signs® Program, as we fervently hope is the case, prepare the stranger ahead of time by teaching him or her a few of your child’s current favorites. We all feel safer with people who share our language!

Enthusiastically introduce the stranger. Get into the habit of introducing people to your child with expressions of sincere delight. This may sound odd if your baby is very young, but even by 4 months babies are sensitive to facial expressions and tone of voice—and by 10 months they are purposefully monitoring these emotional cues to judge what their own reaction should be.

Be patient and understanding! Stranger anxiety is a normal part of development and actually indicates the onset of important advances in intelligence and memory. It means that children are truly thinking about what’s happening, comparing faces with those they remember, and figuring out how to regulate their own emotions—in this case by avoiding the stranger. If you can think of Stranger Anxiety as a manifestation of progress in your child’s development, it will be easier to be patient.

Stranger Anxiety is one of the earliest and most universal forms of fear that young children experience. If you're interested in what some other common fears are and tips for dealing with them, check out Chapter 7 of our book, Baby Hearts, “Monsters and Meanies: Addressing Fear and Anxiety.”

Happy Holidays (and don't forget to follow us on Facebook)!

Linda
Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Co-founder, the Baby Signs® Program
and
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis

Teaching Kids to Say "Thanks"

Thanksgiving is a wonderful time for us to focus on the many things for which we should be grateful—from obvious things like food to eat and a warm bed at night to the little, more subtle things like birds flocking to the bird feeder or a sunny day for a winter outing. The nice thing about Thanksgiving is that the specific focus on gratitude on this particular day makes it more likely that even very young children will “sit up and pay attention.”

However, I think we all can agree that feeling grateful and expressing gratitude shouldn’t be just a one-day-a-year thing. The more difficult challenge, therefore, is how to help children understand that these behaviors are important every day. It’s an important goal because research shows that kids who feel and act grateful tend to be less materialistic, get better grades, set higher goals, complain of fewer headaches and stomach aches and feel more satisfied with their friends, families and schools than those who don't.

That’s why I was so glad to see a list of tips for how to foster gratitude in children included in an article prepared under the banner of the child-advocacy organization, Zero to Three. Here’s link: http://www.zerotothree.org/child-development/social-emotional-development/raising-a-thankful-child.html .

One thing that we here at Baby Signs can add to the list for the littlest ones is teaching the sign for “Thank You” (place fingertips on chin and make arching movement outward). It’s amazing how early and easily signing toddlers pick up this important concept!


Happy Thanksgiving to one and all! (And don't forget to follow us on Facebook!)

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Co-Founder, the Baby Signs Program
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis

Birth of the Green-Eyed Monster

In last week’s blog posting, veering a long way from baby sign language, I talked about why it’s understandable that an older sibling might be jealous of the addition of a new baby to the family. This week I want to turn the tables a bit and ask, “What about the baby?”. Won’t there come a point when the baby begins to resent having to share Mommy with the older child? In other words, when does the traditional green-eyed monster called jealousy appear on the scene?

One answer comes from a clever study by developmental researchers Sybil Hart, Tiffany Field, Claudia Del Valle, and March Letourneau that tested 12-month-old babies under two conditions. In one, moms were asked to ignore their children while looking through a picture book. In the other, still ignoring their babies, moms were given a life-size baby doll to cuddle. If simply being ignored is what annoys babies this age, then both situations should be equally upsetting. But that’s not what happened. Instead, these year-old children were significantly more distressed about the doll than the book, suggesting that they specifically resented seeing another “baby” get the cozy comfort of Mommy’s lap.

Looks like sibling rivalry is a two-way street from pretty early on!

Happy Signing (and don’t forget to follow us on Facebook)!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Co-Founder, the Baby Signs® Program
and
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis

Why Children’s Fears Increase in the 2nd Year

Although signing with babies is my passion, I also enjoy sharing other insights about development. Here's an example from Baby Hearts, my book co-authored with Dr. Susan Goodwyn.

Along with cake and ice cream, a child’s first birthday brings with it a not so nice gift – a significant increase in the number of things that make a child afraid. Why the increase in fear after the first birthday? Much of the responsibility can be traced to changes in the child’s mental skills. Unfortunately, however, these changes aren’t balanced by nearly enough knowledge of how the world actually works! The result is fear of things that you and I know from experience aren’t likely to happen – like getting sucked up by vacuum cleaners or flushed down the toilet. We may know the laws of mechanics that make such things impossible, but our toddlers and preschoolers clearly don’t! Here are some of the other reasons why the list of fears inevitably grows longer between years 1 and 5:

• The wonderful – and not so wonderful – world of imagination. Towards the middle of the second year, the toddler brain begins to be able to do something that sets humans apart from other animals – create ideas and images that have little if any basis in reality and then ponder those ideas and images at will. This is a fancy way to say that children begin to use their imaginations. The good news is that this ability enables them to have fun pretending to be firemen or ballerinas; the bad news is that this same ability enables them to imagine bogey men and monsters.

• What’s Real and What’s Not? Toddlers face a particularly interesting challenge when it comes to distinguishing fantasy from reality. Their new awareness of their own thoughts and dreams doesn’t come with an automatic recognition that these are “all in the head.” Ask your toddler if you’d be able to watch his dream if you came into his room while he was dreaming and he’s likely to say “yes.” Very young children think of their dreams as taking place in real time and space, which is one reason they find nightmares so up-setting and can’t dismiss the image in their head of that same monster under the bed.

• Down Memory Lane. Very young infants live by necessity “in the here and now.” The downside of this is that they don’t get to relive the happy moments of their short lives – the delightful games of tickle, the warm and snuggly moments in mom’s arms, the giddy back and forth of their swing. The upside, however, is that very young infants also can’t remember the scary moments. Unfortunately, toddlers and preschoolers, due to much improved memory capacities, definitely can! This means that a single harrowing experience with a dog, clown, or merry-go-round can haunt them for days, weeks, months, or even years to come.

• A Different Perspective. It also doesn’t help matters that toddlers are so little. To them, the barking Labrador Retriever isn’t just a dog; it’s a dog the size of a horse! And the room full of strange relatives doesn’t just have lots of new folks in it; it’s full of people who tower over the child. Weaving through all the legs – even holding on to Mommy’s hand – is an intimidating journey!

• On the Go. One final reason toddlers and preschoolers are more vulnerable than infants to developing fears is the simple fact that they get around better! Not much scary can happen when you’re confined to a highchair or crib, but let your world expand to include the yard, the park, and the neighborhood, and the chances of encountering something unexpected and scary increase markedly.

The good news is that knowing signs can help toddlers communicate their fears to the adults around them. The AFRAID sign is the most obvious, but not the only candidate. For example, when AFRAID is paired with the sign for DOG the message is clear: that four-legged thing ain’t no friend of mine!

I actually speak from experience on this point. One night when my son Kai was about 15 months old, he suddenly began screaming when I tried to put him in his bed. I was nonplussed – until Kai did the sign for SPIDER. Then I remembered. That morning when I had lifted him out of bed, a big black spider had landed on his arm and he’d been both startled and upset. I had forgotten all about the incident – but he clearly hadn’t. The good news was that thanks to the sign, I knew what the problem was and together we looked through all the bedclothes. Finding no spider, Kai was reassured and settled down to sleep. (The bad news is that, even at age 25, Kai is still phobic about spiders!)

Happy Signing (and don’t forget to follow us on Facebook)!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Co-Founder, the Baby Signs® Program
and
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis

Baby Hearts: Teaching Toddlers to be Kind

One of the most important values that parents pass on to their children is empathy—that is, the ability to recognize what other people are feeling AND the willingness to take action to help them feel better—and in general to be kind and helpful to others. As Dr. Susan Goodwyn and I point out in our book, Baby Hearts, feeling empathy for others is important to your child’s future because research shows that children who are high in empathy are more popular with their peers, get along better with teachers and other adults, and in general, tend to live lives that garner them respect and affection.

What can you do to help your child develop this important emotional trait? The photo I’ve added to the right of this posting provides a clue to one easy strategy. The photo shows my 22-month-old granddaughter, Olivia, very carefully filling our dog’s food bowl. The strategy it illustrates is to provide lessons in empathy by involving your child with the care of animals. Children are naturally attracted to animals and seem to easily grasp the dependence of many animals (particularly pets) on the love and attention of humans. If your child is too young for a major pet (such as a dog or cat) or other circumstances rule them out, try installing a bird feeder outside or an aquarium inside. Be sure to talk about how animals feel many of the same feelings your child does—like hunger, thirst (except for fish, of course!) and pain—and also explain how to properly care for the animal. Even very young children can help feed fish, add seed to a bird feeder, or fill a pet’s water bowl—and lessons about being gentle can never begin too early.

Use this strategy and you’re be laying the foundation for the very important trait of feeling empathy for PEOPLE.

Happy Signing! (And don't forget to visit Baby Signs on Facebook!)

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.

Co-Founder, the Baby Signs Program

and

Professor Emeritus, UC Davis