Stranger Anxiety: A Holiday Hazard

I asked my daughter-in-law, Julie, the other day if she’d gotten any photos of Nate and Olivia, my 18-month-old twin grandbabies, with Santa Claus. The answer was a resounding “No!” and the reason was because the two of them are at the height of what is called “Stranger Anxiety.” I suggested that maybe they wouldn’t be as frightened as she thinks given that their beloved grandpa (my husband Larry), has a white beard and a very deep voice. Her response was, “Well, then, let’s just have Larry put on a Santa suit!”

We don't have plans to do that, but it got me thinking about Stranger Anxiety as a developmental phenomenon. It may be easy to deal with Santa by simply avoiding him, but it’s not so easy to deal with the anxiety that arises when new relatives visit during the holidays or when a new caregiver is introduced. To refresh my memory of how to deal with Stranger Anxiety, I got down a copy of the book I co-authored with Dr. Susan Goodwyn, Baby Hearts: A Guide to Giving Your Child an Emotional Head Start, looked the term up in the index and, sure enough, found a list of tips that can help.

• Insist that people approach slowly and smoothly. Strangers, no matter how well intentioned, who swoop into a young child’s space end up overwhelming his/her with feelings of vulnerability. Because feeling overwhelmed is the exact opposite of feeling in control, the result is fear.

• Provide a prop. Providing the stranger with your child’s favorite toy or an attractive new toy is another helpful ploy because it works to distract the child from the newness of the visitor and defines him or her as having something positive to contribute.

• Teach the stranger favorite signs: If your child is using signs from our Baby Signs Program, as we fervently hope is the case, prepare the stranger ahead of time by teaching him or her a few of your child’s current favorites, perhaps tying it to the prop being used. We all feel safer with people who share our language!

• Enthusiastically introduce the stranger. Get into the habit of introducing people to your child with expressions of sincere delight. This may sound odd if your baby is very young, but even by 4 months babies are sensitive to facial expressions and tone of voice—and by 10 months they are purposefully monitoring these emotional cues to judge what their own reaction should be.

• Be patient and understanding! Stranger anxiety is a normal part of development and actually indicates the onset of important advances in intelligence and memory. It means that children are truly thinking about what’s happening, comparing faces with those they remember, and figuring out how to regulate their own emotions—in this case by avoiding the stranger. If you can think of Stranger Anxiety as a manifestation of progress in your child’s development, it will be easier to be patient.

Stranger Anxiety is one of the earliest and most universal forms of fear that young children experience. What some other common fears are and tips for dealing with them will be the subject of future postings. If you’re desperate for that information right now, check out Chapter 7 our book Baby Hearts entitled “Monsters and Meanies: Addressing Fear and Anxiety.”

Happy New Year!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.

Co-founder, the Baby Signs Program

and

Professor Emeritus, UC Davis

"Signs" of Christmas

What the holidays mean for me is the opportunity to get together with family and friends to reminisce about times past and to make good memories for the future. In our family this year, these celebrations are made even sweeter by the addition of our twin grandchildren who still have stars in their eyes when they see holiday sights or hear holiday sounds. Seeing their joy can make even the most reluctant “Scrooge” smile.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if these special little people could tell us more about what they are thinking—what is fascinating them as they gaze at a decorated tree or blazing candle? Well now they can! The secret is one that more and more families are discovering: helping babies and toddlers communicate using simple baby sign language signs. In fact, around this time of year we hear wonderful stories of how children who can’t yet talk are still able to tell their parents what they see, what they hear, and even what they feel as they encounter holiday symbols. Here are just a few examples from our Baby Signs® files:

• 13-month-old Jared was mesmerized when his father first plugged in the string of lights wound around the Christmas tree, immediately opening and closing his fist (his sign for “light”) over and over as he grinned from ear to ear. For the next 3 weeks, as soon as he woke up in the morning, he would eagerly sign “light,” clearly sending the message that he remembered what was in the living room.

• 15-month-old Maddy had been pretty leery of the bearded man in the bright red suit inviting her to sit on his lap in the department store and had cried until her mother sat with her. From then on, whenever she saw a picture of Santa Claus she would rapidly pat her chest (her sign for “afraid”) and then move her open hands up and down her chest (her sign for “clothes”). Why “clothes?” Maddy’s mom quickly figured it out: “Clothes” was as close to “Claus” as Maddy could get!

• And on a personal note, upon walking into our house this past Saturday, my 18-month-old grandson, Nate, saw the eagle sitting atop our tree (a souvenir from a trip to Alaska) and, with his eyes as big as saucers, eagerly signed BIRD + TREE--his first sentence!
  

With simple signs, these babies, and thousands like them, are making sweet, new holiday memories for their families---and the truth is, what better holiday present could parents receive than a priceless window into their baby’s mind and heart?

Merry Christmas--and Happy Signing!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.

Co-Founder, the Baby Signs Program

and

Professor Emeritus, UC Davis

How Signs Help Keep Mom #1

In a recent post I described how young moms often worry about being usurped in their child’s mind and heart by a loving child care provider—be it a nanny or a child care center staff member. I provided some tips for dealing with this worry by creating fun routines that are mommy- or daddy-only routines that the child can look forward to and which other caregivers are unlikely to be able to duplicate. At the end of that posting I promised another tip. Here it is: Sign with your baby!

There are many reasons to sign with your baby, but here’s one that fits working moms and dads especially well. Young children, just like the rest of us, are typically at their most irritable at the end of the day. It’s a time when it’s easy to become frustrated when things don’t go exactly right—for example, like not being understood when one needs or wants something. Unfortunately, dinner times are also some of the main times that moms and dads who work outside the home have to spend with their children. What a shame for these precious hours to be spent trying to deal with frayed nerves.

Such situations are particularly likely to arise for babies and toddlers who lack the words to communicate their needs clearly. That’s where signs come in. By enabling preverbal children to make clear what it is they need, want, or feel, signs decrease everyone’s frustration, thereby making it more likely that the few precious hours a working mom has to spend to with her child will go smoothly and end with love and kisses instead of tears and tantrums.

I’ve seen this up close and personal, as they say, with my 18-month-old twin grandchildren. I filled in for a sick nanny last week and was there when mom and dad returned from work. The twins were very hungry. (I’d not known what snacks they were allowed and so probably was guilty of starving them!). Following the initial hugs and reunion kisses, they both began making the eat sign insistently. Mom knew immediately what they needed and, instead of making them wait until dinner was actually ready, sat them down with some pieces of grapes, pears, and cheese. No tears, no trauma, just smiles all around! That’s the magic of signs!

Happy Signing!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.

Co-Founder, the Baby Signs Program

KEEPING MOM #1

I remember vividly when my daughter-in-law called me in tears, worried that her twins would end up loving their child care provider more than they loved her. I assured her that this anxiety is typical of moms who have to have their children in child care, and I shared some tips with her. Here’s an important one:

Create fun routines that involve activities that are unlikely to be part of child care. Because they are only done at home, they will stick out in the child’s mind. Children find routines of any kind comforting and these home-only routines will become special times with mom and/or dad that your child can look forward to. Here are some possibilities:

· Bath time. Almost all kids love to splash in the bath before bedtime. Instead of thinking of this as one more chore to get through, appreciate it as an opportunity to share a fun experience with your child with which child care can’t compete. Bath time also has the advantage of being a chance to relate to more than one child at a time.

· Singing. Choose specific songs that only you sing to your child—maybe one for first thing in the morning, one for bedtime, and one for riding in the car. It’s not unusual for grown children to speak nostalgically about such songs and even repeat them with their own kids.

· Dancing. I’ve never met a baby or toddler who didn’t like to be held in Mom’s or Dad’s arms and jiggled up, down, and around in time to a favorite CD song. This might be a great routine for when you reunite.

· Watching a DVD together. Many child care providers avoid DVDs and yet, cuddling once a day with a child in front of an appropriate DVD can be an intimate and cozy experience (being sure to talk about what’s on the screen—and, whatever you do, not using DVDs in place of books!). For example, my daughter-in-law uses the Baby Signs My Bedtime Signs DVD to cuddle and wind the twins down at night before book time, each one clutching his or her own Baby BeeBo.

I’ve got one more major tip that I’ll share another time. (By the way, it took only one bad cold during which the twins stuck to her like glue to convince her she had nothing to worry about in the attachment domain!)

Have fun!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.

Co-Founder the Baby Signs Program and

Professor Emeritus, University of California

Keeping Mom No. 1

I remember vividly when my daughter-in-law called me in tears, worried that her twins would end up loving their child care provider more than they loved her. I assured her that this anxiety is typical of moms who have to have their children in child care, and I shared some tips with her. Here’s an important one:

Create fun routines that involve activities that are unlikely to be part of child care. Because they are only done at home, they will stick out in the child’s mind. Children find routines of any kind comforting and these home-only routines will become special times with mom and/or dad that your child can look forward to. Here are some possibilities:

· Bath time. Almost all kids love to splash in the bath before bedtime. Instead of thinking of this as one more chore to get through, appreciate it as an opportunity to share a fun experience with your child with which child care can’t compete. Bath time also has the advantage of being a chance to relate to more than one child at a time.

· Singing. Choose specific songs that only you sing to your child—maybe one for first thing in the morning, one for bedtime, and one for riding in the car. It’s not unusual for grown children to speak nostalgically about such songs and even repeat them with their own kids.

· Dancing. I’ve never met a baby or toddler who didn’t like to be held in Mom’s or Dad’s arms and jiggled up, down, and around in time to a favorite CD song. This might be a great routine for when you reunite.

· Watching a DVD Together. Many child care providers avoid DVDs and yet, cuddling once a day with a child in front of an appropriate DVD can be an intimate and cozy experience (being sure to talk about what’s on the screen—and, whatever you do, not using DVDs in place of books!). For example, my daughter-in-law uses the Baby Signs My Bedtime Signs DVD to cuddle and wind the twins down at night before book time, each one clutching his or her own Baby BeeBo.

I’ve got one more major tip that I’ll share another time. (By the way, it took only one bad cold during which the twins stuck to her like glue to convince her she had nothing to worry about in the attachment domain!)

Have fun!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.

Co-Founder the Baby Signs Program

and

Professor Emeritus, University of California