Guilt versus Shame: It Matters to Kids!

Many parents assume that shame and guilt are synonymous—that they are two words for the same internal, not-very-pleasant feeling that occurs when we’ve done something of which others disapprove. However, researchers looking at the development of emotions in children feel it’s very important to distinguish between them shame and guilt, for parents to understand the differences, and for parent to steer clear of instilling shame whenever possible.

So, what are the differences? There are two that stand out:

· First and most central, there’s a difference between shame and guilt in where the person feels the error or “deficiency” lies. In the case of shame, the entire “self” is perceived as bad. In the case of guilt, the specific action, rather than the “self” is perceived as bad. For example, a child who feels shame over having broken a precious knickknack might say to herself, “I’m a bad bad girl,” while a child feeling guilty might say instead “Oh dear, I should have been more careful!”

· A second important difference is in the actions which tend to follow once the misdeed is discovered. In the case of shame, because the internal feeling of being bad is so distressing, the person’s inclination is to flee the scene—to escape—or even more problematic, to blame the victim. Our little girl, for example, might say to herself, or even aloud, “It’s Grandma’s fault for leaving it there!” In contrast, a person who feels guilty, rather than trying to flee, is motivated to try to make amends, to right whatever wrong was done, and to prove it was a one-time-only lapse in judgment. In this case, our little girl might say, “I’m so sorry, Grandma! Maybe I can make you something pretty to take its place.”

Why does it matter whether a child tends to feel shame or to feel guilt? Because research shows that feelings of shame are more likely to result in hostility, depression, and a lack of empathy for others.

Given that all kids misbehave at one time or another, how can you avoid instilling a sense of shame? Quite simply, watch what you say! Instead of saying things like “You’re a bad girl” or “I’m disappointed in you,” emphasize the consequences of the misdeed, why you disapprove of the child’s behavior, and what can be done to make amends. Remember, children who are told often that they are “bad” gradually find themselves living up to your expectations in what psychologists call a self-fulfilling prophecy.

There you have it. Some important information to help you make sure your child is on the path to healthy emotional development.

(And don't forget to encourage your child to use signs. Sign language for babies is a great way to make start a baby or toddler on the way to feeling good about him/herself!)

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.

Co-Founder, the Baby Signs Program

and

Professor Emeritus, UC Davis

How Times Have Changed....Thank Goodness!

If you want to feel proud of what you already know about how to raise an emotionally healthy child, compare your beliefs to those of a very prominent 1920’s psychologist, Dr. John Watson.

Treat them as though they were young adults…Never hug and kiss them, never let them sit on your lap. If you must, kiss them once on the forehead when they say good night. Shake hands with them in the morning. Give them a pat on the head if they have made an extraordinary good job of a difficult task. Try it out. In a week’s time you will…be utterly ashamed of the mawkish, sentimental way you have been handling it [up to now].” (J. Watson, 1928, p. 81-82.)

Your “gut level” negative reaction to his advice is in part a product of the wealth of very good research on emotional development from 1960 onward. Thanks to modern technology (computers, video cameras, the internet), advances in our understanding of how the brain works, more complex statistical tools, and the entry of thousands of very bright, passionate young scientists into the field, we now know a lot more about child development than we our parents and grandparents did.

Here are just a few of the advances in policy toward children that would not have happened were it for not for research by hard-working, dedicated social scientists around the world:

§ Fathers are now encouraged to attend the births of their babies and newborn babies often “room in” with their mothers.

§ Hospitals no longer ban parents from their sick children’s sides but, instead, encourage involvement in care.

§ Many hospitals employ “Child Life Advocates,” individuals trained to support hospitalized children emotionally when parents can’t be present.

§ Adoption policies now advise adoption as soon as possible after birth instead of waiting until age 2 when the child’s “innate nature” has supposedly “unfolded.”

§ Pediatricians recognize the importance of correcting visual and auditory problems as soon after birth as possible in order to avoid permanent deficits.

§ Head Start and Early Head Start programs are making a significant difference in the lives of millions of children in terms of both emotional and intellectual development.

§ Parental leave policies are becoming more and more common.

§ To ensure adequate emotional and physical care, adult-infant ratios in child care facilities are a matter of law

§ The Children’s Television Workshop started the trend of educational TV for children with the creation of Sesame Street.

§ AND…last but definitely not least, there is growing recognition of the benefits of encouraging babies to use signs before they can speak!

Let’s hear it for research!

Happy Signing,

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.

Co-Founder, the Baby Signs Program

and

Professor Emeritus, UC Davis

Valentine’s Day Wish for Moms and Dads

February 14^th has rolled around again with its requisite supply of red roses, boxes of candy and chocolate covered strawberries. It’s inevitable, given all the hoopla, that our thoughts turn to romantic love. Given these reminders, it’s my fervent hope that all the young moms and dads out there will carve out at least a smidgen of time today to gaze into each other’s eyes and rediscover the warm feelings that brought them together in the first place.

Why should such rediscovery and reconnecting be necessary? After all, moms and dads share a home on a daily basis, hopefully sleep in the same bed, and both love the same children. Ah….children. There’s the rub! No matter how much joy they bring, the truth is that the years when young children are at home are the hardest years for a marriage to survive. This has always been true but is especially the case these days when so many women work, when schedules have to be juggled, when economic difficulties loom large, and when the simple event of a child coming down with a fever can throw the whole, fragile balancing act into upheaval. It’s all too easy for nerves to become frazzled, for mental “balance sheets” to be tallied as to who’s doing more than his/her fair share, and for time together to be postponed indefinitely.

I started this blog with the suggestion that moms and dads “carve time out for gazing into each other’s eyes.” I didn’t just choose these words for their poetic value. Turns out there is solid research showing the power of this level of face to face contact. When college students of the opposite sex who were total strangers to each other were required to spend 5 minutes gazing into each other’s eyes, they felt much more positive about each other than couples who had not. In fact, some of those couples even ended up getting married later!

The eyes really are the window to the soul—and when both members of a couple trust the other enough to open up that window, the result is a sense of mutual connection that can help deflect the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune”—and even the trials and tribulations of raising children!

Happy Valentine’s Day!!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.

Co-Founder, the Baby Signs Program

and

Professor Emeritus, UC Davis

The Proof is in the Potty!

Guess what arrived in my email in-box last Thursday! And given the fact that I’ve been posting about potty training since the first of the year, it’s incredibly timely! It’s the email below from Vanessa, a mom from Prince Edward Island in Canada, describing her own success with our potty training kit, Potty Training Made Easy with the Baby Signs Program.

"My daughter started this program exactly 1 month ago, she is now 1 yr and 2 weeks old! She had never signed before and now proudly uses all 5 signs from the DVD. We have not changed a poopy diaper in 3 weeks, and she even stays dry during her naps! She has an average of 2 accidents a day, some days she has none! This was a wonderful way to train her, she has never cried or been frustrated. We will be saying buh-by to diapers any day now! (She’s not even “old” enough to fit into commercially available “pull-ups” or training pants J)."whe

The DVD she’s talking about features our animated Baby Signs DiaperDoodle characters climbing aboard the “potty train” and demonstrating the important components of the “potty routine” while also modeling five relevant signs:

1. Interrupting play to notice the need to go POTTY,

2. Walking to and getting on the potty,

3. Detecting when they need to go MORE and then are ALL DONE,

4. Hopping down to WASH their hands…

5. And feeling proud of having done a GOOD JOB.

Add to these demonstrations real children modeling the signs and catchy music, and you’ve got a resource that obviously inspires even 1-year-olds to follow the DiaperDoodles’ lead.

So, how about helping the toddlers in your life climb aboard the potty train? With our help, it’s not as hard as you think it might be!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.

Co-Founder, the Baby Signs Program

and

Professor Emeritus, UC Davis