From Sworn Enemies to Bosom Buddies

I’m turning this week from sign language with babies to information drawn from my book with Dr. Susan Goodwyn entitled Baby Hearts: A Guide to Giving Your Child an Emotional Head Start.

It’s not uncommon to hear that violence in the world is inevitable because aggression is built into the human species—that it’s “instinctual”—and, therefore, nothing can be done to change it. A very clever study done way back in 1930 by Z. Y. Kuo provides the perfect retort—and hope for the future.

If there’s one behavior that most of us would agree is instinctual, it’s the tendency for cats to stalk and kill rats. Or is it? Kuo decided to find out. First, he took litters of newborn kittens away from their natural mothers. One-third of these he gave to tried-and-true rat-killing moms to raise. Another third he raised by themselves. And the final third he raised with rats! Then, when the kittens were old enough, he tested to see if they would stalk and kill rats in a natural situation. Here’s what he found.

• The kittens raised with rat-killing moms learned from them, 85 % becoming enthusiastic rat-killers.
• The kittens raised alone split about evenly, with 45% easily persuaded to kill rats.
• But of the kittens raised with rats, only 17% ever killed a rat in all his tests!

What’s the point of all this? Here it is, and it’s important. Even something as arguably instinctual as rat-killing can be changed given the right life history. Create an environment early in life that nurtures love, trust, and familiarity rather than violence and hate, and the result is much more peace and harmony.

So, take Kuo’s results as evidence that the lessons you teach your children about compassion and tolerance are both likely to work and one of the only ways we have to chip away at the violence we see around us.

Happy Signing (and don’t forget to follow us on Facebook)!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Co-Founder, the Baby Signs® Program
and
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis

Some “Nos” are Better than Others

This week I’m taking a break from talking about signing with babies to discuss another issue that faces every parent of a toddler: Noncompliance with requests. We all know there are nice ways and not so nice ways to say “no.” Well, how we as parents say it to our children turns out to have an important influence on how children learn to say it too.

Let’s look first at children’s behavior. Turns out there are individual differences in how toddlers express their unwillingness to cooperate. The strategies fall into two different categories, unskilled and skilled.

• Unskilled: The toddler gives no reason for noncompliance. He or she may simply ignore the parent’s request, angrily defy it (“No!”), or quietly refuse (“No, I play more.”)

• Skilled: The toddler tries to find some “wiggle room” in the parent’s request through negotiations of some kind. In this case, he or she may try for a compromise (“Just one more?”) or attempt to justify noncompliance (“Not done yet.”)

How do toddlers come to favor one type of strategy over another? As in many other domains of development, they model themselves after what they experience their parents doing. Parents who supply explanations, suggest compromises, and consider the child’s feelings when asking for cooperation tend to have children who favor the skilled strategies—even if they choose not to comply.

And why is it important which strategy—skilled or unskilled—a toddler favors? Not only do the unskilled strategies make for more tension between parent and child, but research shows that children who tend toward unskilled strategies as toddlers continue to do so at age five—thereby running the risk of permanent damage to the parent-child relationship.

Of course, all parents would prefer that their young children always comply with their requests. That’s hardly realistic, however. What this research suggest is that even when toddlers don’t comply, there well maybe something in the “how” of their behavior that is worthy of appreciation.

Happy Signing (and don’t forget to follow us on Facebook)!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Co-Founder, the Baby Signs® Program
and
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis

Make Older Sibs Part of the Signing Team

A while back I focused in this blog on the challenges parents face when they upset the family dynamics by adding another baby to the mix. In that regard, it doesn’t come as a surprise that the displaced child is vulnerable to feelings of jealousy and resentment. This week’s message is about how signing has helped ease the tensions of sibling rivalry for many families.

Teaching a baby to sign requires lots of enthusiasm and repetition. “Doggie! [SIGN] See the doggie? [SIGN] What a nice doggie! [SIGN]” The truth is that, especially at first, parents can feel a bit shy about waving their hands around as they ramp up the enthusiasm factor in their voices and faces. In contrast, preschool and school age kids often enjoy acting “silly” and, as a consequence, seldom have a problem providing the energy that makes modeling signs for babies most effective. Because babies love watching their older siblings, these pint-sized teachers do a great job. What’s more. they take great pride in having successfully taught their baby brother or sister a sign. “Watch Mom! She can sign DOG now!”

The obvious benefit here is that the baby learns more signs. But the more subtle benefit is that the older sibling feels an allegiance with the parents as part of the signing “team”—making being older (and wiser) more attractive—and thereby helping offset feelings of jealousy.

So, if you have an older sib available to help teach signs, make it fun. Suggest he/she look for pictures of target objects (e.g., dogs when teaching the DOG sign) in magazines—or even draw them—to post around the house. Soon you’ll see big sister dragging the little one over to the pictures and demonstrating the signs with great gusto. The more the merrier, we always say!

Happy Signing (and don’t forget to follow us on Facebook)!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Co-Founder, the Baby Signs® Program
and
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis

A Simple Challenge Saves a Rainy Day

It's a very stormy Monday out here in "sunny" northern California, a situation that put me in mind of a tip to share with housebound families. A month or so ago I wrote about how to provide a new landscape for your crawling baby by putting pillows from the sofa or chairs on the floor. Today I want build on that theme with a tip for toddlers. As is true with crawling, when children first begin to walk, they take great pleasure in the act itself. Rather than always moving to get a toy or reach a door, for the newly walking toddler the simple process of getting from here to there is often enough.

The truth of this observation was brought home to me one rainy day when I was babysitting my 18-month-old twin grandchildren, Nate and Olivia. I was just about out of ideas for entertaining them when I happened to spy a folded up card table in the laundry room. Hmmm…what could I do with that? At first I set it up and draped a sheet over it hoping they would be intrigued by a new “cave” to hide in. No luck. For some reason they were scared to go in. (This idea worked great a few months later.)

Feeling disappointed, I collapsed the card table and just left it (top up) on the floor as I went to let the dog out. When I turned back around, much to my delight, I found Nate and Olivia giggling as they stepped up the 1.5 inches to the top of the table, moved around the top a bit, and then gingerly stepped down again! Now, that might not seem all that exciting to you and me, but to a newly walking child, the challenge of stepping up and down this slight rise without losing one’s balance was a source of great satisfaction—and fun. Believe it or not, that card table kept them occupied for nearly 30 minutes!

Sometimes the simplest pleasures give the greatest joy.

Happy Signing (and don’t forget to follow us on Facebook)!

Linda

Linda Acredolo, Ph.D.
Co-Founder, the Baby Signs® Program
and
Professor Emeritus, UC Davis